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someone remind me who wrote about 3 o'clock lonliness - was it f. scott fitzgerald? i can't recall. but whoever he was, he was right. that feeling at 3am when you are the only one in the world who is wide awake and there is no comfort. until ...you find it. an easy, affordable and practical solution to anything that has you tangled up in damp sheets... the infomercial. reassuring company when all is dark and your head is full of hopeless impossibilities and paranoid untruths. the infomercial. all of life is reduced to thinner waistlines, thicker hair, increased wealth, and easier chopping. some are staged like quiet interviews, with an attractive and curious host asking all the questions you and i are afraid to ask...like what about those bowel movements that are pencil thin? that can't be a sign that everything is ok inside now can it? of course not! plaque build-up! bad for you! there is also the talk show format - with a studio audience bursting with enthusiasm, and a few cutaways to those whose lives have been changed now that they don't spend as much time in the kitchen. they are reconnecting with their kids, geting out more, and are less stressed because they can set it and forget it. glory up, lord! and finally, my favorite: a full 30 minutes of various vignettes of usually blond women, shown before and after. before: she is frustrated and clumsy and her hair is a mess. she wipes the sweat off her chin as she tries to organize her plastic containers or chop garlic. after: cute outfit! pretty smile! perfect veggies! it's all quite miraculous. and when she is finished demonstrating how easy life can be, flip the channel and you will learn about a new way to detoxify your body by putting a patch on the bottom of your foot. thank you infomercials, my gratitude is quiet but everlasting. and in sleepy desperation i give in to the magic bullet.