dear mom

on a snowy ride home i am thinking of mom. it has been two winters since i heard her voice on my answering machine on snowy days like this. her radio voice, worried but hopeful, asking me "is it snowing in minneapolis? it's snowing hard here, i can see it out my window, so please call your old mom when you get home so i know you're ok."

was she really worried? or was it an excuse to call? both. oh those years of my tether to mom. it was hard to feel love back during those years. she complicated things, she imposed, she needed and needed and needed.

so many ugly moments of anger and frustration. how ashamed i feel still. but there is no choice about how you feel when you are feeling it. i look back and wish i had felt or acted differently, but in the moment, in all those moments, i could only feel what was real at the time. like the song says,

"you can't make your heart feel
something it won't."

i sat by her bed all day that day, september first. she was sitting up and talking with me just a few days earlier but now she was deep in the process of dying and could only wince, smile, gasp, and sleep. i kept peeking under her blankets, waiting for the bruising to appear on her legs, and when it finally did, a beautiful nurse named Hope patted my shoulder and said "it won't be long now, honey."

at 3:15 in the afternoon she sat straight up and stared into nothing with black in her eyes. death in her eyes. there was no reflection of light or sparkle, just cold, black, wide eyes. i panicked. what is she doing?! what is she doing?!

"hold her hand sweetie, take hold of her hand right now."

i leaned in a little and stared at the black and took her hand and told her "i love you mom."

they say you take a final breath, but she didn't. instead, she released it, she no longer needed air so she pushed it away. with a final sigh the black disappeared and her soul floated up and out of her head, out of the nursing home, out of my life. she fell back, and she was gone. completely gone from me.

still gone.

missing you, mom. really really missing you. sorry i was such a brat. i feel sad on this snowy night that there is no message from you.

or maybe there is.

love you.