pantookas and wuzzles

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities. - Dr. Seuss

maybe that is what is wrong with me. i am looking at life through the wrong end of the telescope and up until just this moment i haven't thought any of it was very funny.



lies are told and surprises are scary instead of fun and things i can't reach are missing. important things are being scooped up and out of my control and the can of folgers is getting down there. no budget for more, though.



so is any of this funny after all? absurd certainly. i try to be the one who sees the humor in odd things so perhaps i should enjoy all this.

nothing else is working anyway.

nonsense yes! it's all nonsense!

so perhaps i am in whoville and bartholamew cubbins is my best friend and i should ask horton to listen extra close to hear all of the things i can't. might be fun to gossip with that big ol' cat over lunch sometime this week.



and of course, you know what we are having.

please hold

the woman i was sitting next to in class today apologized for the fact that the articles she was to read for homework last month were wrinkled and stiff. she explained

i take a bath every day after work.

when she was relaxing in her bath last night, reading provactive articles about the art of leading quietly, her telephone wrang.

she has a 15 year old son with downs syndrome named keith.

hello this is keith. no, she's naked in the bathtub right now.

she panicked, dropped her papers, splashed and shouted from a clenched throat but before she could get anything out...

i'll put you on speaker and take you in there.

she told me about the lecture she gave him -

what you did was NOT ok! you need to respect mom's private time! you must never embarass someone like that!

she was exasperated.

but it made me laugh. i told her

that is the most adorable story i've ever heard in my life.

she burst into a smile and said

i know, right?!

depression hurts

i'm in slump. a deep one. the country has a chance to heal, the sun is up a bit longer each day, my windshield washer system is working great and i have a perfect manicure.

what the hell.

maybe it's about turning 50, maybe it's about work, maybe i need a new dog or a fancy sweater, several days off or some cake.

i am not liking this slump. being in a slump used to conjure images of late night piles of blankets and television, justified apathy and comfortable messiness. after all who can do laundry, dust, or put stuff away when you are in a slump?

but this one feels uncomfortable and fat. like the pants that are too tight after the holidays or the depressing light in the kitchen when the bulb over the sink goes out.

something is not right about this slump all right, but the wrongness of all it brings up is worse than the not right part. i am not enjoying this slump at all. it is definitely not what they described in the flyer.

FREE SLUMP!

enjoy an undetermined amount of time feeling really sorry for yourself and wallowing in your uselessness! cradle your worthless soul in the cool flicker of late night infomercials! buy incredibly stupid products that you will never use but are too lazy to return!

• clean pajamas, sheets, and hair not required.
• join now and receive ceaselss encouragement to eat as much of anything you want all the time.
• call in the next five minutes and we will call in sick to work for you every day for as long as the slump continues.

CALL NOW!!!!

now seriously,

who could resist that?

i should've

an injured pigeon was hunkered down on the G level of my parking ramp last monday. it may have been a dove, it had a beak more like a dove, but anyway there it was. i was in a hurry to get home and had my hands full when i almost tripped on it. poor thing was trembling and terrified and in the path of a car that hadn't come yet. but a car would come soon. it would careen down the ramp and not see that pretty crying bird and that car's front right uniroyal would end things.

hopefully quickly but maybe not.

i stopped and talked to it

hey buddy, you don't feel well do you? listen you need to move or else...

at that moment a blue yukon going way too fast roared down the ramp

and missed the bird by about an inch.

ok dude that't it you have to move.

i leaned down and it panicked, which was a good thing because it started to hop and hop and hop -- it hopped out of harms way, off to the side, to a dark safe spot.

on the drive home i felt guilty. the bird was out of the way but it was going to be cold that night. oh well, i am sure she'll be fine.

and then i thought

how long would it have taken me to go back up to my office, put some shredded paper in a box, and at least place her there, if not drop her off at the raptor center which was on my home anyway.

but i didn't do that.

she froze to death over night

and she was just a bird,

but i am disappointed with myself any way.

lesson?

i am too old to be regretting things i didn't do and should have.

so if my heart tells me to do something...

well then there you have it.

here comes the bride

a woman fell down hard on the way out of the movie theater yesterday. she was embarrassed and in pain and crying. her daughter was beside herself "mom mom are you ok are you ok?!" we tried to get help but the response was slow to put it mildly. outside theater #8 there were 6 young people in red amc theater jerseys holding walkie talkies, looking confused and frozen and helpless. mouth breathers all of them with big wide eyes bursting with fear and we said "please get help, call 911, get a manager" but they all just stood there with their hand held communication devices poised in mid air, not doing anything.

damn kids! i grumbled (to myself). millenials -- can't think for themselves, no initiative, how rude but they don't know any better.

i was thinking about that at breakfast when a young woman only slightly older than the ticket takers caught my attention. she was having breakfast with her soon-to-be-family and could not have been kinder to the three little girls around her. she was enjoying them and talking about important things like how fun it was to have a whole year's supply worth of chewing gum, and which lip gloss did they want her to put on? they wiggled and cocked their little heads and gathered around this lovely woman with perfect pink skin, shiny blond hair, black velvet t shirt and stretch jeans. the girls were enchanted as they watched her apply it. makeup is so much fun when you aren't old enough to wear it yet.

she was so sure of herself in a gentle way. she described how she was going to wear her hair on her wedding day and they wondered if she would wear a crown. they bobbled and cooed and one of them handed her a baby doll which she began stroking and rocking without missing a beat or calling attention to it.

when i was 7 my big brother brought his fiance home. when i met her i was just like one of those little girls. my new big sister was glamorous and funny and oh those times sitting on the bed, watching her back comb her hair and line her eyes. she was my very own princess diana.

in remembering that i knew exactly what those girls were feeling. the rest of the family laughed and chatted and i loved the whole scene. there was something so precious about the way they were just being together. just being. these were good people.

i came very close to slipping them a scrap of paper with this blog address on it, asking them to check it out tomorrow, as i was planning to write about them and would they like to see it, but then thought how weird would that be. i might upset them.

then again maybe not. what would it be like to know that a stranger had taken a literal snapshot of you and your possey, just hanging out together on a saturday morning. kind of like when someone hands you a photo you didn't know was taken. you look at yourselves and remember that moment, just an ordinary moment, but realize how profound it is to see that it had been captured. you just being you. enjoying someone. listening, talking, smiling, paying attention. no one is posing or waiting for the flash, you are just being. and that photo you were just handed quickly becomes one of your favorite pictures of all time.

i think too much. i notice things to a level of detail that drives me crazy sometimes. but that's what i do. i get worked up over little things, and then put back in my place by other moments as they happen next to me.

whether or not any of them come across this blog,

one thing is for sure,
she will be a beautiful bride.

done, and undone

two years later i am still trying to sort out my mothers death. her affairs were settled long ago, although there was not much to do. i tucked her safely into the earth next to my dad, left some flowers and smiled as rolls were served at the reception after the service. i sent her clothes to goodwill, gave her furniture away saved a few of her things i will cherish always, and sold the rest in a garage sale at bargain prices.

lady barbara, who was born of no significant means -- less than that --grew up to be a stunning talent, she went on to college and starred on the radio, married a naval commander in a fairytale wedding, and devoted her life in service to god.

why then why then why then did she die painfully, thin and aching in a dark and stinky room at a nursing home in west st paul? at the last they did not even dress her in her own nightie, but in a hospital gown with nothing at all of hers around her, except a big clock on the wall, and me by her side.

everything was gone. all the reminders and comfort of her life had disappeared. photos and magnifying glasses, familiar linens, her tv and slippers -- all gone. i have been angry these two years about her passing, as why would a woman who spent her life worshipping and serving god die in this lonely place with nails in the wall? how disrepectful of god to allow this. she should have died in riches and comfort. she just should have.

i saw a movie today and a line from that is with me still..."we come into this world alone and with nothing, and we leave it the same way."

now it makes sense,

or at least

more sense.

we slide into life with a big push and hopefully love, but there is nothing more than that, and we spend each year building and aquiring and collecting things and people and that create what we are meant to be. but at the last, we begin to let go, and so things disappear, one at a time.

sometimes room by room.

she left with nothing more than she arrived with -- clean white sheets, a warm bed, and someone to love her and wish her well.

we get everything done eventually, we just do. and then as we slide out again breath by breath, it all comes undone.

and that, i see now,

is as it should be.

when the time comes

we are done.

eve

normally i am not one for crowds. they suffocate and irritate me, but on this bright and perfect christmas eve i decided i wanted to be out there, among the flurry of last minute scurrying.

i loved the splashes my boots made in the parking lot at lunds, and all of the squeaky fights for parking spots. the absence of carts as they were all being used, the smells of cheese and pine and smoked meat. i smiled at everyone and everyone smiled back.

christmas eve. home now with a fat ham roasting and a fussy custard firming on the stove. presents are twinkling and creatures are peaking to see if one of those wrapped things might be theirs and of course they will have surprises in the morning too.

merry christmas my friends, my loves, and all of you who are missing, though you may not read this i hope you are knowing magic and love this evening.

peace to you, miracles too.

happy eve!