done, and undone

two years later i am still trying to sort out my mothers death. her affairs were settled long ago, although there was not much to do. i tucked her safely into the earth next to my dad, left some flowers and smiled as rolls were served at the reception after the service. i sent her clothes to goodwill, gave her furniture away saved a few of her things i will cherish always, and sold the rest in a garage sale at bargain prices.

lady barbara, who was born of no significant means -- less than that --grew up to be a stunning talent, she went on to college and starred on the radio, married a naval commander in a fairytale wedding, and devoted her life in service to god.

why then why then why then did she die painfully, thin and aching in a dark and stinky room at a nursing home in west st paul? at the last they did not even dress her in her own nightie, but in a hospital gown with nothing at all of hers around her, except a big clock on the wall, and me by her side.

everything was gone. all the reminders and comfort of her life had disappeared. photos and magnifying glasses, familiar linens, her tv and slippers -- all gone. i have been angry these two years about her passing, as why would a woman who spent her life worshipping and serving god die in this lonely place with nails in the wall? how disrepectful of god to allow this. she should have died in riches and comfort. she just should have.

i saw a movie today and a line from that is with me still..."we come into this world alone and with nothing, and we leave it the same way."

now it makes sense,

or at least

more sense.

we slide into life with a big push and hopefully love, but there is nothing more than that, and we spend each year building and aquiring and collecting things and people and that create what we are meant to be. but at the last, we begin to let go, and so things disappear, one at a time.

sometimes room by room.

she left with nothing more than she arrived with -- clean white sheets, a warm bed, and someone to love her and wish her well.

we get everything done eventually, we just do. and then as we slide out again breath by breath, it all comes undone.

and that, i see now,

is as it should be.

when the time comes

we are done.