anxious to be alone

after all, that was the point of this whole trip. to spend some time byself just to see what would happen.

being alone makes me feel anxious. i am not one for adventure as much as i would like to be, so this is a test. it was a restless and mostly sleepless night, in spite of a heavenly bed and comforting fire. today the sun is blinding on thick sparkling snow on lake superior, and i spy a walking path.

instead of hopping out of bed to seize the day, i kept the curtains closed till almost 1030, just wondering if i truly want to be alone today. i think my sense and desire of order and predictability have set a routine in my soul that is hard to challenge.

one of the things i did to prepare for this trip was to purchase new socks. i have given up on ever wearing matching socks again - you put 2 in the wash and only one comes out, or sometimes three. tie them together or put them in net bag and still they make a break out the back of the dryer just like andy dufresne in shawshank. lately i've felt like a big risk taker in not caring whether or not my socks match. the other day one was a christmas sock and the other brown stripes. seems to be in fashion now, but for me, it's REALLY living on the egde, baby.

off i go to see where that walking path leads. i have a brand new pair of hiking boots that were made for walking and walking's what i'll do.

with one white sock and one purple, with dots.

clear up north

the liquor store was buzzing at 10:00 this morning. mark, the owner , commented that "everyone is getting their wine before the storm comes". when i told him i was headed up north for the weekend and that i would miss the biggest storm of the season, he raised his eyebrows and said, "holy cow you're going to drive right into it. be careful."

silly mark! i had been watching the weather for days and days, and this morning the latest radar showed snow coming in from the west, headed straight for the cities and south to the iowa border, but it was clear up north.

with a bottle of cold water and a new cd, i fastened my seatbelt and headed for I35. it was cloudy but dry, and i coudn't stop smiling. i was going on retreat. all by myself!

i turned 50 a few days ago and was disappointed to find that when the clock struck midnight on february 23rd, nothing happened. no moment of clarity, no divine thoughts, nothing. i had so hoped 10 years ago that i would have everything figured out by now - what am i meant to be and how will i get there? but here i am 10 years older and a few pounds to the right of the dial and holding steady with nothing new.

a retreat! that's what i need! i found a cozy room in a lodge 50 miles north of duluth, packed up my writing and drawing things, my beautiful guild guitar, a few good books, and off i went.

the cruise was set at 70 and "miss celie's blues" was like a joyous banner swirling around my head. "sista! i' keeping my eye on you"

i noticed fog up ahead. funny that we have fog this time of year.

30 miles south of hinckley with 200 miles to go, i sliced through a thick curtain of february snow.

bummer.e

i thought about stopping at hinckely but was so sure i would outrun this storm (callback - there is no snow up north!!), but kept going. the first accident i saw involved a truck with a trailer that had jack knifed into a green suv. that reminded me -- how does 4 wheel drive work, anyway?

keep going draze, this is your adventure. you wanted to see what it would be like to be alone so here you are and you are 50 and you can do this! think for yourself bitch! yippee!

i was calm but terrified. and fascinated to learn i could feel both at the same time.

next crash was someone who had careened off the highway backwards and smashed through a chain link fence. cars were in the ditches everywhere.

the lane i was traveling in was still pretty dry, and visibility was ok most of the time. it was a very long stretch of road with few options i could see for stopping for the night, and besides, duluth was only 60 miles from here and it is NOT snowing up there! keep going. you can do this you are a grown up you can do this you are a safe driver DAMN it how does 4 x 4 work? a grown up would have thought to ask about that before leaving minneapolis.

shit.

an hour later with a bladder the size of lake superior, duluth was getting closer. and then i saw it "highway 61, exit 2 miles". that's my exit and only 50 more miles to the lodge!!!

except i couldn't see the exit. it was buried in snow.

next sign: "duluth, 13 miles".

DULUTH! i have always loved duluth the two times i've been there!

an hour later i am tucked into a huge and lovely room with a fireplace, king sized bed, a lakeview deck (yeah right), and a view of a massive snowstorm pounding the frozen great lake.

the wine is open, the internet is up, and i am writing again for the first time in so many weeks.

when the storm passes tomorrow, maybe i'll just stay put for another night instead of traveling further. the wind is howling outside which is a pretty and spooky sound. calming yet terrifying. sounds of longing, energy, and flight.

plus, the nice young man at the front desk (jake) saw my birthdate and said

"this room is normally $139 for the night but i'll let you have it for $89."

i like it here.

cheers!

take the stairs

the other night i dreamt of a staircase. it was wooden and deck-like, on the second floor of somewhere and i loved looking at it. it smelled sweet like a summer evening and each piece of wood was swirling with designs from the inside of the tree it came from.

at the bottom of the stairs and across the way there was a house i had been curious about for a very long time. it was a sweet tidy cottage shut up tight and no one was ever home. this time, the front door was wide open. i looked in and saw pretty couches and fancy lamps but i was too afraid to go inside

so i just looked.

i have since found out that dreaming of a staircase means that some sort of inner awakening is occuring - that the dreamer is coming into an as yet hidden "self-understanding" and, evidently, clarity is close behind.

turning 40 was comforting. it felt like i had 10 more years to figure everything out.

almost 10 years later i am 49 and still figuring. still trying to figure myself out . still looking for some direction.

maybe the dream was a hint. need to know which way to go?

take the stairs.

pantookas and wuzzles

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities. - Dr. Seuss

maybe that is what is wrong with me. i am looking at life through the wrong end of the telescope and up until just this moment i haven't thought any of it was very funny.



lies are told and surprises are scary instead of fun and things i can't reach are missing. important things are being scooped up and out of my control and the can of folgers is getting down there. no budget for more, though.



so is any of this funny after all? absurd certainly. i try to be the one who sees the humor in odd things so perhaps i should enjoy all this.

nothing else is working anyway.

nonsense yes! it's all nonsense!

so perhaps i am in whoville and bartholamew cubbins is my best friend and i should ask horton to listen extra close to hear all of the things i can't. might be fun to gossip with that big ol' cat over lunch sometime this week.



and of course, you know what we are having.

please hold

the woman i was sitting next to in class today apologized for the fact that the articles she was to read for homework last month were wrinkled and stiff. she explained

i take a bath every day after work.

when she was relaxing in her bath last night, reading provactive articles about the art of leading quietly, her telephone wrang.

she has a 15 year old son with downs syndrome named keith.

hello this is keith. no, she's naked in the bathtub right now.

she panicked, dropped her papers, splashed and shouted from a clenched throat but before she could get anything out...

i'll put you on speaker and take you in there.

she told me about the lecture she gave him -

what you did was NOT ok! you need to respect mom's private time! you must never embarass someone like that!

she was exasperated.

but it made me laugh. i told her

that is the most adorable story i've ever heard in my life.

she burst into a smile and said

i know, right?!

depression hurts

i'm in slump. a deep one. the country has a chance to heal, the sun is up a bit longer each day, my windshield washer system is working great and i have a perfect manicure.

what the hell.

maybe it's about turning 50, maybe it's about work, maybe i need a new dog or a fancy sweater, several days off or some cake.

i am not liking this slump. being in a slump used to conjure images of late night piles of blankets and television, justified apathy and comfortable messiness. after all who can do laundry, dust, or put stuff away when you are in a slump?

but this one feels uncomfortable and fat. like the pants that are too tight after the holidays or the depressing light in the kitchen when the bulb over the sink goes out.

something is not right about this slump all right, but the wrongness of all it brings up is worse than the not right part. i am not enjoying this slump at all. it is definitely not what they described in the flyer.

FREE SLUMP!

enjoy an undetermined amount of time feeling really sorry for yourself and wallowing in your uselessness! cradle your worthless soul in the cool flicker of late night infomercials! buy incredibly stupid products that you will never use but are too lazy to return!

• clean pajamas, sheets, and hair not required.
• join now and receive ceaselss encouragement to eat as much of anything you want all the time.
• call in the next five minutes and we will call in sick to work for you every day for as long as the slump continues.

CALL NOW!!!!

now seriously,

who could resist that?

i should've

an injured pigeon was hunkered down on the G level of my parking ramp last monday. it may have been a dove, it had a beak more like a dove, but anyway there it was. i was in a hurry to get home and had my hands full when i almost tripped on it. poor thing was trembling and terrified and in the path of a car that hadn't come yet. but a car would come soon. it would careen down the ramp and not see that pretty crying bird and that car's front right uniroyal would end things.

hopefully quickly but maybe not.

i stopped and talked to it

hey buddy, you don't feel well do you? listen you need to move or else...

at that moment a blue yukon going way too fast roared down the ramp

and missed the bird by about an inch.

ok dude that't it you have to move.

i leaned down and it panicked, which was a good thing because it started to hop and hop and hop -- it hopped out of harms way, off to the side, to a dark safe spot.

on the drive home i felt guilty. the bird was out of the way but it was going to be cold that night. oh well, i am sure she'll be fine.

and then i thought

how long would it have taken me to go back up to my office, put some shredded paper in a box, and at least place her there, if not drop her off at the raptor center which was on my home anyway.

but i didn't do that.

she froze to death over night

and she was just a bird,

but i am disappointed with myself any way.

lesson?

i am too old to be regretting things i didn't do and should have.

so if my heart tells me to do something...

well then there you have it.