sadding

i was sadding earlier today but am feeling better now. sadding is different than just feeling sad, and quite the opposite of feeling grateful. when you feel grateful you collect all the beautiful things that have blessed you and pile them up into one overwhelming feeling of peacefulness. when you are sadding you do the same thing, only with regrets and disappointment and things and people you miss.

it started with a defeating ache of tiredness, one that kept us home from the north shore, which, after 30 years of living here, i still have never seen. a note from a friend said "bummer you aren't feeling well, i hear that the colors on the north shore are peaking this weekend." that started the sadding, a rolling over in bed with tangled sheets and wet pillowcases. and then like kindergardners marching out to recess the sad things lined up and bowed. or smirked. memories of friends who once held tight in loyalty, but who decided at some point that their lives would be better lived without me in them. thoughts of things left unfaced or done wrong, and mostly the sparkling presence of parents who drank champagne and shared photos at my wedding reception twelve years ago. a perfect fall day that was.

much like this one.

sadding is something not to be gripped too tightly, nor should it be disallowed. sadding comes and goes. and gratefully now,

it's going.