Bellissimo!

i am not sure what that word means but it sounds joyful and it is italian just like the restaurent where i had dinner on friday.

it turned out to be a day with some dark spots. i almost went home, that anxious feeling biting me all morning. i tried venturing out for a time, and the morning was beautiful and bright and very cold, but soon wandered back to the hotel and had a good cry.

a good hard cry can solve so many things. for me it brought up memories of all the times i have let anxiety and the unknown ruin my vacations. like stressing about finding a camping spot every day for a week, when the 34 four foot motor home we were traveling in could have sat by the side of the road and provided all the refuge and comfort we needed. or the time the car broke down in canada and instead of thinking "we'll have breakfast and then it will be fixed" i found myself sick in the bathroom agonizing over the probabiliy that it was unfixable and we would have to dump it and then how would we get home and what about the title and we were a foreign country...

they fixed it.

and then it felt like i was looking at that ugly bundle of dust that you know is under the bed but you don't know how odd and big and horrible it is until you are down on your knees with the vacuum cleaner (which i rarely am).

this hunk of anxiety that i keep bundled up in my head and stomache seemed to be sitting there and i was looking at it and thinking it through and wondering why i keep it.

the point of this trip was to find out what i am really like and how i respond to things calling me, and so, what, i'm going to sit here in front of this fire and fear it? let it steer me back home instead of exploring and smelling and tasting and smiling?

not this time.

lunch at a lovely place on north shore drive, much walking in the kind of crisp cold that sinks it's teeth into your forehead, browsing in antique stores and chatting with artisans

and dinner at that place who's name sounds like Belisimo but it wasn't. warm and welcoming and oh so delicious.

i saw another man dining alone. he was proper and happy with his salad caprese and glass of wine. no novel nor notebook beside him. i read once that when you bring "something to do" to dinner alone it looks like you are afraid to let people know you are alone.

he was good at this.

and i am learning more and more.