after all, that was the point of this whole trip. to spend some time byself just to see what would happen.
being alone makes me feel anxious. i am not one for adventure as much as i would like to be, so this is a test. it was a restless and mostly sleepless night, in spite of a heavenly bed and comforting fire. today the sun is blinding on thick sparkling snow on lake superior, and i spy a walking path.
instead of hopping out of bed to seize the day, i kept the curtains closed till almost 1030, just wondering if i truly want to be alone today. i think my sense and desire of order and predictability have set a routine in my soul that is hard to challenge.
one of the things i did to prepare for this trip was to purchase new socks. i have given up on ever wearing matching socks again - you put 2 in the wash and only one comes out, or sometimes three. tie them together or put them in net bag and still they make a break out the back of the dryer just like andy dufresne in shawshank. lately i've felt like a big risk taker in not caring whether or not my socks match. the other day one was a christmas sock and the other brown stripes. seems to be in fashion now, but for me, it's REALLY living on the egde, baby.
off i go to see where that walking path leads. i have a brand new pair of hiking boots that were made for walking and walking's what i'll do.
with one white sock and one purple, with dots.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
clear up north
the liquor store was buzzing at 10:00 this morning. mark, the owner , commented that "everyone is getting their wine before the storm comes". when i told him i was headed up north for the weekend and that i would miss the biggest storm of the season, he raised his eyebrows and said, "holy cow you're going to drive right into it. be careful."
silly mark! i had been watching the weather for days and days, and this morning the latest radar showed snow coming in from the west, headed straight for the cities and south to the iowa border, but it was clear up north.
with a bottle of cold water and a new cd, i fastened my seatbelt and headed for I35. it was cloudy but dry, and i coudn't stop smiling. i was going on retreat. all by myself!
i turned 50 a few days ago and was disappointed to find that when the clock struck midnight on february 23rd, nothing happened. no moment of clarity, no divine thoughts, nothing. i had so hoped 10 years ago that i would have everything figured out by now - what am i meant to be and how will i get there? but here i am 10 years older and a few pounds to the right of the dial and holding steady with nothing new.
a retreat! that's what i need! i found a cozy room in a lodge 50 miles north of duluth, packed up my writing and drawing things, my beautiful guild guitar, a few good books, and off i went.
the cruise was set at 70 and "miss celie's blues" was like a joyous banner swirling around my head. "sista! i' keeping my eye on you"
i noticed fog up ahead. funny that we have fog this time of year.
30 miles south of hinckley with 200 miles to go, i sliced through a thick curtain of february snow.
bummer.e
i thought about stopping at hinckely but was so sure i would outrun this storm (callback - there is no snow up north!!), but kept going. the first accident i saw involved a truck with a trailer that had jack knifed into a green suv. that reminded me -- how does 4 wheel drive work, anyway?
keep going draze, this is your adventure. you wanted to see what it would be like to be alone so here you are and you are 50 and you can do this! think for yourself bitch! yippee!
i was calm but terrified. and fascinated to learn i could feel both at the same time.
next crash was someone who had careened off the highway backwards and smashed through a chain link fence. cars were in the ditches everywhere.
the lane i was traveling in was still pretty dry, and visibility was ok most of the time. it was a very long stretch of road with few options i could see for stopping for the night, and besides, duluth was only 60 miles from here and it is NOT snowing up there! keep going. you can do this you are a grown up you can do this you are a safe driver DAMN it how does 4 x 4 work? a grown up would have thought to ask about that before leaving minneapolis.
shit.
an hour later with a bladder the size of lake superior, duluth was getting closer. and then i saw it "highway 61, exit 2 miles". that's my exit and only 50 more miles to the lodge!!!
except i couldn't see the exit. it was buried in snow.
next sign: "duluth, 13 miles".
DULUTH! i have always loved duluth the two times i've been there!
an hour later i am tucked into a huge and lovely room with a fireplace, king sized bed, a lakeview deck (yeah right), and a view of a massive snowstorm pounding the frozen great lake.
the wine is open, the internet is up, and i am writing again for the first time in so many weeks.
when the storm passes tomorrow, maybe i'll just stay put for another night instead of traveling further. the wind is howling outside which is a pretty and spooky sound. calming yet terrifying. sounds of longing, energy, and flight.
plus, the nice young man at the front desk (jake) saw my birthdate and said
"this room is normally $139 for the night but i'll let you have it for $89."
i like it here.
cheers!
silly mark! i had been watching the weather for days and days, and this morning the latest radar showed snow coming in from the west, headed straight for the cities and south to the iowa border, but it was clear up north.
with a bottle of cold water and a new cd, i fastened my seatbelt and headed for I35. it was cloudy but dry, and i coudn't stop smiling. i was going on retreat. all by myself!
i turned 50 a few days ago and was disappointed to find that when the clock struck midnight on february 23rd, nothing happened. no moment of clarity, no divine thoughts, nothing. i had so hoped 10 years ago that i would have everything figured out by now - what am i meant to be and how will i get there? but here i am 10 years older and a few pounds to the right of the dial and holding steady with nothing new.
a retreat! that's what i need! i found a cozy room in a lodge 50 miles north of duluth, packed up my writing and drawing things, my beautiful guild guitar, a few good books, and off i went.
the cruise was set at 70 and "miss celie's blues" was like a joyous banner swirling around my head. "sista! i' keeping my eye on you"
i noticed fog up ahead. funny that we have fog this time of year.
30 miles south of hinckley with 200 miles to go, i sliced through a thick curtain of february snow.
bummer.e
i thought about stopping at hinckely but was so sure i would outrun this storm (callback - there is no snow up north!!), but kept going. the first accident i saw involved a truck with a trailer that had jack knifed into a green suv. that reminded me -- how does 4 wheel drive work, anyway?
keep going draze, this is your adventure. you wanted to see what it would be like to be alone so here you are and you are 50 and you can do this! think for yourself bitch! yippee!
i was calm but terrified. and fascinated to learn i could feel both at the same time.
next crash was someone who had careened off the highway backwards and smashed through a chain link fence. cars were in the ditches everywhere.
the lane i was traveling in was still pretty dry, and visibility was ok most of the time. it was a very long stretch of road with few options i could see for stopping for the night, and besides, duluth was only 60 miles from here and it is NOT snowing up there! keep going. you can do this you are a grown up you can do this you are a safe driver DAMN it how does 4 x 4 work? a grown up would have thought to ask about that before leaving minneapolis.
shit.
an hour later with a bladder the size of lake superior, duluth was getting closer. and then i saw it "highway 61, exit 2 miles". that's my exit and only 50 more miles to the lodge!!!
except i couldn't see the exit. it was buried in snow.
next sign: "duluth, 13 miles".
DULUTH! i have always loved duluth the two times i've been there!
an hour later i am tucked into a huge and lovely room with a fireplace, king sized bed, a lakeview deck (yeah right), and a view of a massive snowstorm pounding the frozen great lake.
the wine is open, the internet is up, and i am writing again for the first time in so many weeks.
when the storm passes tomorrow, maybe i'll just stay put for another night instead of traveling further. the wind is howling outside which is a pretty and spooky sound. calming yet terrifying. sounds of longing, energy, and flight.
plus, the nice young man at the front desk (jake) saw my birthdate and said
"this room is normally $139 for the night but i'll let you have it for $89."
i like it here.
cheers!
Monday, February 2, 2009
take the stairs
the other night i dreamt of a staircase. it was wooden and deck-like, on the second floor of somewhere and i loved looking at it. it smelled sweet like a summer evening and each piece of wood was swirling with designs from the inside of the tree it came from.
at the bottom of the stairs and across the way there was a house i had been curious about for a very long time. it was a sweet tidy cottage shut up tight and no one was ever home. this time, the front door was wide open. i looked in and saw pretty couches and fancy lamps but i was too afraid to go inside
so i just looked.
i have since found out that dreaming of a staircase means that some sort of inner awakening is occuring - that the dreamer is coming into an as yet hidden "self-understanding" and, evidently, clarity is close behind.
turning 40 was comforting. it felt like i had 10 more years to figure everything out.
almost 10 years later i am 49 and still figuring. still trying to figure myself out . still looking for some direction.
maybe the dream was a hint. need to know which way to go?
take the stairs.
at the bottom of the stairs and across the way there was a house i had been curious about for a very long time. it was a sweet tidy cottage shut up tight and no one was ever home. this time, the front door was wide open. i looked in and saw pretty couches and fancy lamps but i was too afraid to go inside
so i just looked.
i have since found out that dreaming of a staircase means that some sort of inner awakening is occuring - that the dreamer is coming into an as yet hidden "self-understanding" and, evidently, clarity is close behind.
turning 40 was comforting. it felt like i had 10 more years to figure everything out.
almost 10 years later i am 49 and still figuring. still trying to figure myself out . still looking for some direction.
maybe the dream was a hint. need to know which way to go?
take the stairs.
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