you know what daddy would say...

i don't like putting things away. i like getting them out, but i am not very good at the follow-up. loading the dishwasher is fine, unloading is boring. the thrill of christmas decorations being dug out of boxes is so much fun, but the manger scene loses its' magic sometime in march. so to manage that, i find it is best to leave things be, not bring them out, shhhh! stay there.

on mondays for four years, i would pick up mom's groceries and take them into her apartment kitchen and do my best to put things away. it took her a while to wheel and waddle out to the table, she in her crinkly sleepy robe, all out of plans and opinions except for one: "linnie, are you going to close that cupboard? are you done in there? oooo you know what your daddy would say... you are going to hit your head on that door if you don't close it.....oooo you should shut that cupboard door, linnie.

which is why i left it open.

daddy was there when nightmares appeared and he chased away those bad cupboard monsters. he just did, he was brave that way. today i learned that monsters and nightmares show up in more places than dreams, they show up in your waking times, too, just as scary and just as threatening if you dont' happen to be looking. just like a kitchen cupboard door left open while you prepare a grilled cheese sandwich for your mom....raise your head and smack your eye on the corner of that faux wooden door...yes, just like that. bad dreams show up in broad daylight and slam you good, only because you raised your head at the wrong moment. you should have been looking but you were not, and now you have a black eye whether you deserve it or not.

my head is aching and so are my eyes and so is the rest of me.

hey daddy, will you close that cupboard door for me, please, so i can sleep?

ok fine, i'll do it myself.

but only if you promise to chase all my monsters.

really?! deal. sweet dreams.

this is why we live here

oh the things we find when all the windows are open for the first time in 7 months. the dirty snow finally gave up and disappeared into the march mud just like the wicked witch of the west. hey there is my other garden clog! that dirty wet candle reminds me of a warm night long ago and i hear us laughing and smell the fire. oh and a broken and trampled string of lights, but weren't those pretty on the fence last Christmas?

in minnesota we live for this. we know that the shortest season of our growing up and old is only a few months long, and when the first day dawns we go a little crazy. we see how big the kids up and down the street have grown, we raise our faces to the sun and think about what to grill and where are our shorts? it's 55 degrees ladies! time for a pedicure.

dear today, thank you so much for being the most perfect day, even though it is one hour short. i am so loving the way you look today.

great job, linda

dear heart

a friend suggested i might enjoy a website she found, because of the whimsical writing. the website is thxthxthx.com and it is filled with tiny thank you notes that a woman writes to somethign she is thankful for every day. today she thanked a yellow highlighter for keeping her focused in her reading and she also commented on the pretty color. once she thanked her pounding headache for reminding her that whiskey before bed is not such a good idea. and once she thanked london for being easier to fly into than paris.

gratefulness was trendy a few years ago, wasn't it? books like simple abundance encouraged us to keep a "gratefulness journal" and add to it every day. oprah swore to us that it would improve the quality of our lives. it would give us a way to call attention to the good fortune we have through friends and loved ones and good food fresh air and clean water. and i used to do that, either in writing or before falling asleep, and the gratefulness experts are right, it does focus one's perspective for the better.

and yet i really think Leah, in thxthxthx is on to something much smaller and much bigger and grander. she points out the little things that play a role in her day, things that tease her or test her or help her or hate her, and she finds something that each thing or experience pointed out to her or taught her or reminded her of.

here i sit in bed on a fragrant march saturday, waiting for my heart to settle down after a long, long time of it being steady and dependable. i can't blame it for feeling confused because i have done a great job lately of confusing myself.

and so my thank you note today is this

dear heart, thanks for reminding me that letting things get to me the way i have is not moving me towards anyone i hope to someday be, and i must work on that. so you just go ahead and flip around a little longer and that is ok with me.

you are terrific! xox, linda

silence is blue

why do they say silence is golden? day 2 of my retreat and i am finding silence to be much more than golden. silence is blue like the lake and the astonishing peaceful sky above it. silence is crackly maple logs popping in the fireplace, tiptoe-y like the little drips of coffee making their way into the pot, silence is a smile from a stranger, a hot cup of soup, a long night's rest.

yesterday at the lemon wolf restaurant in beaver bay, i sipped my soup wine and watched three old best lady friends celebrating something or nothing over lunch. "she'll have a chardonnay and i'll have a cabernet and she'll have coffee cause she is driving - haw haw haw!" she instructed the waitress to put the wine on one bill, the food on another, and the dessert on a third, as that is how they decided to split things up.

they had on pretty pantsuits and bright lipstick and they talked about wi fi and someone's neice in colorado and how if anyone calls you up and you don't know them and they ask for your credit card information, why that is a scam and you better run!

it feels so good to be quiet and observe, take notes in my brain and just rest rest and rest.

today's adventure includes a long walk at gooseberry falls, a hot bath, long nap, and more observations

about silence.

dreaming north

i wonder where the words have gone, i think i know but i still miss them, and i am spending some time up north trying to get them back. they used to tumble around like puppies and eventually straighten themselves into pretty patterns of thought, and sometimes they even meant something.

snuggled in bed on a gorgeous morning, smelling coffee and looking out on lake superior, wondering if the quiet i am finding here will stir something up and bring me back to earth, or to home, or at least to some place normal and familiar so that i can get on with things. there has been no getting on of late, only getting by, getting sad, getting tired.

today i am going to try again for the millionth time to ice skate - a simple thing but something i am bad at, and have always wanted to be able to do. i took lessons once (what a disaster), but i have never been able to relax enough to glide. sometimes i can scoot a little, but no gliding. so many things i want to do but i don't believe i can so i give up and put my head down and forget about it.

i think all of that is about to change, and very soon, and i think it will start with a nice skate.

or a broken hip,

we'll see.