a fighting heart

my heart and i are at it again. fighting like mismatched lovers who are desperate in their need to be together, whose passion is on fire, but who can't go a day without each bringing out the worst in the other. the best moments are the quiet ones when they lay in bed and hold each other, keeping all thoughts to themselves as they fold into each other and sometimes they fall asleep holding hands. but then one of them finds a reason to surge above the other like a giant wave pushing things to shore whether they want to go or not. crashing on the beach like breaking glass.

as for us, my heart and i, sometimes we lay together quietly, and when she is calm she is oh so calm. she feels soft and strong, steady and comforting. i never take her mellow moods for granted anymore. i close my eyes and breathe deeply and i thank her.

but then she gets in one of her moods. she jumps or she flips or races faster than i can keep up with her, and sometimes the beats are so fast and strong they almost hurt. not only in my chest but in my back and ribs and shoulder blades. i plead for her to slow down, i remember the green line, and if it is 5 am or 5pm i give her two pills and sometimes she takes a break but sometimes she doesn't.

yesterday after taking to bed on a perfect afternoon, i got very angry with her for the first time. usually i am so frightened of her and this time i was just plain mad. i put on my jeans and took off my bra and stomped around the backyard as if to outrun her. and then i poured a tall glass of red wine, and then another, and then a smoke. i stay away from these things to try and soothe you sister, but you are not cooperating so let's just see how you like this! i thumped my back hard in my patio chair and i rocked with ferocious intention trying to smack her back into sinus rhythm and sure enough, after a while, she took my hand, apologized, and rested.

but now it is sunday and we are fighting again.